Whore Customer Jeff Porten was namechecked recently by the Angry Mac Bastards regarding a story that the majority of cloud computing users believe that the cloud can be affected by weather.
As is their wont*, AMB made fun of these benighted idiots. But The Whores have determined through extensive research that weather can affect cloud computing.
*AMB Wont is not to be confused with St. John’s Wont. AMB Wont, when taken as directed, is clinically proven to increase suicidal ideation, depression, and the urge to sleep with Rob Enderle so you can Bobbitt him afterwards.
Thanks to international trade, most cloud services are offshored faster than by Mitt Romney on a cocaine and near-beer bender. This means that Americans can be adversely affected by hurricanes and typhoons over the Pacific and Atlantic. In technical terms, bits traversing a transatlantic cable or satellite link enter these maelstroms at the speed of light, and are suddenly thrown into a whirlpool tide. This causes XOR Dizziness, where each individual bit might confuse itself with its neighbor.
In extreme cases, this can cause Quantum Bittiness, which throws a bit into a state of complete confusion until the recipient strangles a cat to determine its correct position.
Naturally, Apple has solved this problem for iCloud users, and the way they’ve done it is hinted at in its name.
Go outside on a very sunny day, then fix your eye on 74.3° above the horizon. Stand there unblinking for about six minutes. Eventually, you will see a fuzzy horizontal dividing line, above which you can see lots of movement of very tiny objects. Congratulations, you’re viewing your own personal iCloud, which swarms gently over your head at all times.
This technology was patented by Apple back in 1979, in “A Method of Using Orbital Submechanics to Tether Disembodied Data Above a Cranial Enclosure,” but since the patent referred to floating 5.25″ floppy drives, it hasn’t gotten much notice since. Of course, keeping your cloud data near your physical person prevents weather intrusions in all but the worst possible storms—and if you’re experiencing 150 MPH winds around your head and neck, perhaps this isn’t the best time to download the Bee Gees from iCloud Match. You should be busier stayin’ alive.